Lindsey 00:12
Welcome to the Mindset Coach Academy Podcast. I'm Lindsey Wilson. And I am a high performance mindset coach, a mom, a former professional athlete and an entrepreneur, I help coaches and high performers optimize their mindset to improve their coaching their performance and those of their athletes and their lives. Here, you'll learn all about mindset, how to live it, how to teach it, and how to sell it.
Lindsey 00:38
All right. Welcome to the Mindset Coach Academy Podcast. Today we have Courtney Thompson. Hi, Courtney.
Courtney 00:43
Hey, good to see you.
Lindsey 00:44
Nice to see you as well.
Lindsey 00:46
All right. So as we just talked, we're gonna be talking about regret. We just did this in our mindset coaching collective Hall, I've worked on a lot with my students, and I have done the work with them. And then I contacted Courtney.
Lindsey 01:03
And I said, I am thinking, I wanted to make give myself an out. I said I'm thinking of doing this live on the podcast. And that is talking about my regret, and working through it really live. And I wanted somebody that I trusted, and I didn't want to do it alone. And I knew you would hold that space for me. So thank you.
Courtney 01:27
I feel honored. And I respect this process and doing it so you can help others bring them along as well. So I'm excited to be in this with you.
Lindsey 01:37
Yeah, we're always trying to model it right. And that a lot of people are listening to this too. It's like we can't ask our kids or our students or our athletes or people that we lead to do this stuff if we don't, and I always try to live by that. And sometimes it's better than others. But I will tell you that I know that this is the right thing to do. Because I absolutely frickin do not want to do it.
Lindsey 02:02
Like, As you know I sent you the calendar invite. And then I wasn't sure, like, we hadn't really connected for a little while. And I wasn't sure if we were really on. And there was definitely a part of me that was like, but you might not show up. So then like, maybe we'll do it again in the future. But like I can punt it off a little bit, right?
Courtney 02:18
I might, I'm thinking about running tomorrow, I don't know, maybe.
Lindsey 02:22
We'll see, maybe I'll do that. 5k, I don't know, we'll see, so we're here. And the process that we're gonna go through that you are going to basically take me through, you're basically coaching me today. And that is from the book The Power of Regret.
Lindsey 02:37
And it's a three-part process to basically get power from things that you regret, things that you used to sort of use as or think of as a weakness or spend a lot of emotional energy. And I think the power of story and the power of being able to bring these things to the surface … it’s almost like our shame, right? Like the things that we feel like, and I know that for a lot of my coaching students, a lot of it is like, the thing that we think disqualifies us, that thing that we don't want to share. Because if we feel like if anybody knew about it, they wouldn't want to work with us, or they wouldn't want to be led by us or they wouldn't respect us.
Lindsey 03:18
And so often, not that this is the purpose, but so often we respect people more. And nobody comes out of this life unscathed. Right, and nobody comes out without having done some stupid shit. So I think that's kind of where I'm coming from.
Lindsey 03:30
But this process one, step one, and we'll go over this process multiple times. But this is from the power of regret, is self-disclosure, which is what we're doing today, being able to talk about the thing that you regret, gives enormous power and takes power away from that thing that is, maybe cost you a lot as far as emotional energy.
Lindsey 03:48
Step two is self-compassion, which is what you're going to take me through. And step three is self-distancing, which is analyzing and strategizing. So here we go. And I'm nervous. I have to say, I don't get nervous for [inaudible]
Courtney 04:04
Everyone watching, we got on and then he's like, I'm a little nervous. And I'm so excited.
Lindsey 04:10
Well, as we say, nervousness and excitement, are kind of two things. Two sides of the same coin.
Courtney 04:15
Yeah, well, I'm also not in the hot seat, but I do. I had a friend going through a hard time in their personal life, who was in a position of leadership. And he was sharing with me that like, I just feel so bad, like, I can't lead anymore. Like He's gonna, and I just had so much compassion for that, because it's exactly right what you said as it keeps us stuck. And we don't have to be perfect to be great influencers. It is just like rawness and honesty, and just the fact that you're in it together with people coming from the right place, I think is what it's all about. So that being said, I guess I'm, I respect this and I'm happy to be here.
Lindsey 04:53
Oh, thanks for it. Yeah, we did this again in our mindset coaching collective, which is our new coaching program that's opening probably by the time people listen to this podcast or maybe even before, but we talked about it. And then people shared, like really heartfelt things like really emotional things.
Lindsey 05:11
And I think I had gone first, I'd tried to at least, but it just reminds me like, we all have them. And the thing that you think is the most shameful part of your past, it's so much easier for someone else to look at it and with compassion, and say, but when you're young, or we all make mistakes, or whatever, but to do that for yourself, I think takes a lot of bravery. And anyway, I think that there's a lot of power in bringing it to the surface, and I'm babbling on because I don't want to get to it. But I will say...
Courtney 05:47
Say in your head about it, Lindsey,
Lindsey 05:50
I'm still thinking about sharing. No, I'm gonna do it. Because we go first, right? We hold the mirror up, and we work on ourselves. So let's do it.
Courtney 05:58
Right. Step one is relive. And really.
Lindsey 06:02
Yes, Self-disclosure.Yes.
Lindsey 06:04
So every time I tell the story, I do feel like it's a little bit lighter. But it's also something that for a long, long time, I didn't really share with anybody. And it was that I had a relationship with my coach when I was 17 years old. And he was over 40.
Lindsey 06:23
And the interesting thing about what I feel most regretful about, is not necessarily what happened physically, it was more than other people were hurt. So essentially, what happened was, I was part of, and I look back now, and it was basically a cult.
Lindsey 06:49
It was a team, which, you know, culture and culture, very similar, you know, there's, it's a fine line. And essentially, my coach was physically intimate with multiple people within the team. And even when I found out about it, I just sort of thought of myself, I didn't really worry about other people I didn't, I felt like I was in control, which I think was probably an illusion that he allowed me to feel, but I didn't really look at it from other people's perspective, that there were other girls involved that maybe didn't feel that great about the situation, or maybe were coerced, or maybe, didn't have a great family life.
Lindsey 07:32
And I didn't have that awareness at that age. To know that I was, I feel when I look back that I was normalizing it, I was the best player on the team. I was the star I was the one going to play in the big university. And I think nothing was ever said out loud.
Lindsey 07:49
But I think I allowed the situation, a lot of very inappropriate things happening. I think I normalized that I made it okay. And people were hurt. And that it's not necessarily that I regret so much of what I did. I mean, I do that too. But that's not the big regret.
Lindsey 08:11
The big regret was that other people were involved. And then I lied to him. So he ended up going to jail. And I lied for years and years, I tried to protect him. And my goals were also wrapped up in it. So he was the person that got me to the next level, to get him and say that he was the person that helped me get myself to the next level. And I wasn't sure that I could do it without him.
Lindsey 08:36
He was also this is a little twist of irony. He was the one that taught me mindset. So I also look at my career now. And I think, would I have learned all this stuff without him? And would I also feel super guilty because I'm like, would I change anything?
Lindsey 08:56
People got hurt. And there's a part of me that says, Yeah, but I got to play in college. I got to play professionally and now I have a business, but I feel super shitty. I'm like, am I a terrible person for thinking that way. And so there's like, all these layers that years I lied for him.
Lindsey 09:15
Years I would deny, deny, deny. I never got on the stage. He went, I think I told you though he went to jail. Did I tell you that already? He went to jail. And I lied to him. I totally believed that I drink the Kool-Aid and I believe that he had our best interest in it.
Lindsey 09:37
And I think what's also really hard is and this is probably true for so many people that have been involved in any kind of like intimate abuse, right where there was a good side of them too, and so my mind goes and it gets real sort of jumbled because I want to put it in this neat little box of like he's this terrible person. And yet, there are also these wonderful things that I gained from him. Like, and I feel bad about that. Like, why can I just think of all the bad things? You know, but I'm also really grateful. Oh my god, it's like, it's good to talk mind F, right.
Courtney 10:16
Yeah, it's, and I think it's confusing to like grieve or move through because there's so much duality and all of it. I think most painful experiences, there's, it's not just one thing. As much as As humans, we like to do that. So, yeah, I totally get that.
Lindsey 10:32
Yeah, so it was just, yeah, and then I feel bad sometimes for not feeling bad. Do you know what I mean? Like, I feel like, Am I just still sort of thinking in the way like the brainwashed kind of like, or am I getting that sort of distance of like, this was the good part of it. And so it's okay, for there could have been some good parts of it. And this was the shitty part of it. And that's not my fault.
Lindsey 11:02
But that is, that's because I was old enough to know better. And, you know, I hold myself to high standards. So I have this idea that at 17. And I had some boundaries like I, there were limits to what I would do. I mean, I remember very specifically holding those lines.
Lindsey 11:25
But there was a lot of like I said, like brainwashing and I think I look back and I think well, he was really smart. Like there was like, this was a little bit inappropriate. But we let that slide. And then there was a little bit more inappropriate, and we all let that slide. And then there was a little bit more. And again, I think if it had just been me, I wouldn't be so conflicted about it.
Lindsey 11:47
But there were other people that I think we're in a really great space in their life that got wrapped up and had a relationship with them, too. And at the time, I just didn't. I didn't even I can't even say that I really cared. That was like, we're all making our own decisions. And because that's how I felt for myself. I was like, I'm 17, like, That's so old. I'm making my own decision. She's probably making her own decision.
Lindsey 12:10
But now I look back and I think, yeah, but she was also looking at me. You know, and, and I was normalizing this. Picked up behavior. Yeah. And then I was lying for him. Because I believed the in the goodness that there was, there was some good and that's okay, too. And so it's kind of a mind F is what...
Courtney 12:31
That line of perspective and being really disorienting being like, am I? How far from normal? Am I? Or like, how far from a normal like, perspective am I in that? That's a tough word to use. I feel that for sure.
Lindsey 12:45
Well, then I then you kind of justify it, right? Because your dream, when your dreams and you're that driven, so he was playing on of my drive to, like, when you want to get to the next level, excuse me, like, you know, and you look at some things. And I don't like that part of me, either.
Lindsey 13:06
That's, that's a shameful part of like, I was willing, and maybe I'm still willing. That's the other part that I look at myself. And I'm like, would I change anything? You know, I like to think that I would, but again, I played so many of my goals. were wrapped up in this situation.
Lindsey 13:27
I play in college playing professionally again. Now, my business. And you know, in retrospect, you can say, well, it wasn't it was you? But at the time, that's not how it felt at all. And
Courtney 13:38
That's also part of the age.
Lindsey 13:40
Yeah, exactly. So there's this huge power dynamic. And you have my big huge goals. That was until I was in a situation where not obtainable at all. They really weren't. And then, and then they were. And so.
Courtney 13:57
Thank you for thank you for sharing that. It's a lot if you're open to it. Can you share a few examples of when ruminating on this got in your way? Like, I'm imagining, like, there were nights when you couldn't sleep? Or when you saw your teammates and felt triggered? Like, how did this kind of joke pop up? For you?
Lindsey 14:15
It's really good question because I think it's a little bit more of like, a low level, like, almost like a hum or like a negging. It's not you know, I don't think that like I have a great marriage. I don't think that because I don't feel and I don't think of this situation as like something as like concrete as like sexual abuse, for example.
Lindsey 14:40
I mean, some people I think would look at it and say that but I don't know that I necessarily, feel like I still had some power in that situation. So I don't think it's in this sort of like a neat little category where it's affected. Like my relationships, for example.
Lindsey 14:54
I think it's guilt. I think it's a low-level Like, and I don't think that I'm a terrible person, but I do look back and there is that sense of me as like, in some ways, it's like, I feel like I use people. And, but it was I know that it was intellectually I know that it wasn't me. But I feel complicit I guess that's the best way. And so I don't know if I have specific examples so much as like this low level. And then I think there's a lot of them like I said, it's just like the mind F of like, Can good and evil exist in the same person? Why isn't this in some, like a neat little box where I can just say, and I, there's just a lot of layers. Yeah. And I guess that's true for everybody's progress.
Courtney 15:46
Yeah. Especially if there's the heart involved. It's in that usually concrete. Okay, last question. Before we move on to step two. Other than guilt. Are there any other underlying emotions that you would like, kind of label as coming up?
Lindsey 16:01
I mean, that's like the whole soup of shame, regret, and skills. Yeah. I mean, I think anytime that I think there's sex involved, there's some sort of like, embarrassment. I noticed that with my mindset coaching students when we did this exercise, there was just another layer of just not wanting to talk about it.
Lindsey 16:25
And I think the, what am I trying to say, the driven part of me that was willing to overlook things, I think the drive is like a strength and a weakness, right, where I'm looking back and I'm like, I protected him. I was complicit. I normalize this behavior. And I, in a lot of ways that kind of shrugged it off isn't the question you're answering or asking, but all those things kind of go into like, yeah.
Courtney 16:59
Okay, the last one I led. When you are feeling this, like the low hum of it, where do you physically notice it?
Lindsey 17:05
Oh, that's a good question. Probably my throat and upper chest. You know, like, again, when we started talking about talking about it, I start feeling even now like that little like, little feeling, but that's probably more when I'm talking about it now that I mentioned it. And that's probably more when I think when I think about it, it's a physical sort of like, like an almost like a physical like a pullback or like feel heavy, I guess, is maybe one way of thinking. And then I feel confused. Because I want it to be meat.
Lindsey 17:37
I want to be like, you're like the worst person in the world. And like, that wasn't my fault. I was 17. And like, what in the actual and doesn't feel that way? To me, it feels like layers of processing. And looking at myself and saying, you might have been a terrible person in that situation. And that's okay. Maybe? I don't know. But it's like, the layers of it, I think are what's good, or what's really hard. Yeah, I would say. Again, I'm not always answering your question. But ...
Courtney 18:15
No, I think that's great. I think that's always helpful for me to like, just anchor to where you know how I noticed it physically first. Okay. So thank you for sharing that step one kind of self-disclosure, relive, and relief. And I honor what you shared. Yeah, the second step is self bringing some self-compassion to this, and attempting to kind of normalize and also neutralize, one of the things I've learned is if our brain likes to catastrophize, so it's possible that the worst case can happen can also be helpful to look at. Alright, well, it's also possible then that this could happen. As you're thinking about it, what would be one way that you could forgive yourself, for how you respond to this in the past,
Lindsey 19:01
I think I attempt to do this a lot. And I talk to my best friend a lot about it a lot. And she is like, tried to put it in my head that, I was young. And there was definitely a power dynamic. And I think more than anything, one of the things that she tells me is I'm not responsible for what a 40 plus year old man does, right? Even at any age, you know, and that was him.
Lindsey 19:30
So I think intellectually, I really understand this step two, I think emotionally, it's still hard for me, to be perfectly honest, to find that self-compassion, but I'm working on it. And I think to some degree, and I don't know if this is sort of a false self-compassion, but There were also places within that situation where I did have hardline of things that I was willing to do or not do, or I think there was a part of me that really listened to what I was comfortable with both sexually and otherwise, at that age. And I guess I am a little bit proud of myself for that.
Lindsey 20:17
I think the flip side of that is that I did it for myself, but not necessarily because I didn't really like to think holistically about other people. So there's a little bit of that. So I did feel like I sort of held a line. And that's where I did I think, for me, I, and again, I don't know if this is an illusion, I don't know, this is what I'm telling myself, that I feel like I did hold my power in that sense.
Lindsey 20:41
So I guess I'm worried about self-compassion. I guess in some ways, I'm kind of proud of myself for that. But the compassion I think comes from and also the compassion of like, really, what was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to blow it all up? You know, is that what's expected of someone that's driven? And this was the situation that was getting me to the next level? And I probably, and I don't think now that I know how the brain works. You know, there's the brainwashing component of like, things got weird, slowly. Right.
Lindsey 21:22
And then also, you can justify things in your mind. You know and that is a real is real thing. Yeah. Like, at that moment, if someone had told me, these people are being hurt, it's either you or your goals. Would I have chosen them? I like to think that I did. But I didn't even think of other people. I didn't even let myself believe that other people were being hurt. Yeah. Was my brain protecting me from blowing it all up?
Lindsey 21:55
And there was also good stuff there. And so I think that's, again, I sometimes I think of it as like a moral thing of like, I was choosing the good stuff for myself. And I feel bad about that. But then also, I think of like, it's okay to have also focused on the good stuff at that moment. It's a really natural thing. It was a very appealing situation for me. You know, I was gonna play at the next level, I was the star of the team. He put me on a pedestal, so he knew exactly what he was doing.
Courtney 22:25
Yeah. They often do.
Lindsey 22:27
And so it was the situation where, and I think part of me feels guilty for looking back and saying, would I have done anything differently? Part of me feels guilty about that. And part of me is also very self-compassionate, because it's like, how can you expect someone to blow it all up when they're in a good situation? How can I have expected myself to do that? Yeah, it's really hard.
Courtney 22:51
[inaudible] Yeah.
Lindsey 22:53
Yeah. Is that even reasonable? Yes. I mean, I think the ideal, but is that a reasonable expectation? When somebody else when someone else has so much power?
Courtney 23:11
So one of the things, working through emotions, I think that can be helpful as like, we like, the reason we call friends is to, help keep perspective and give us love or whatever we're needing. So for you, when this comes up, what would be one thing that you could tell yourself to help? I think of thoughts is like constricting or expanding. And so like, if I'm anxious, I can sometimes say like, I love you, which sounds silly, but in certain moments, it's actually really powerful that we can offer ourselves that in the same way, I would offer you, like, Lindsey, it's an and not a but and yeah, maybe you do this differently. Like, I love you. I got you. So what would be like a thought? If this comes up? Again, you could anchor to?
Lindsey 24:01
That's a really good question. I think as we're kind of talking through this, I think a lot of the core of it is my it kind of comes down to like being a good person. You know, like, Are you a selfish person that puts your goals above other people? And I think I have, I think a lot of German people have.
Lindsey 24:26
And I never wanted to hurt anybody in this situation or anything else. I think there was a time in my life when I felt like this kind of going off on a tangent, but I think that there was a time in my life when I felt like I was letting people hold me back. And then I decided to not ever let that happen again.
Lindsey 24:51
And I think maybe the situation sort of preyed upon that in some ways, where I finally found a place where I could just be driven and like go for it. And I didn't have to give an F about what other people needed or wanted. And that was my path forward. And I think I put blinders on and I just went for it.
Lindsey 25:12
And I think, forgiving myself for that situation. But I think that's always a part of me. You know, I think there's a part of me that believes sometimes you have to just not give it crap. And maybe that's true. I don't know. Or maybe that's just a defense mechanism. Or maybe that's just not being able to handle when to listen to people and when not to and when to be and to just be like this, this knee-jerk reaction of like, Nobody's holding you back.
Lindsey 25:45
So don't care too much about other people, because you need to just go do what's best for you. I think there's a part of me that's like that. And so looking back, again, I'm not answering your question.
Courtney 25:57
It's a hard question.
Lindsey 25:58
Yeah. I think maybe it's something along the lines of like, honoring myself for, like strengths and weaknesses. That can be like you said, it's like the and, it's like, my drive can be a beautiful thing. And it can be something that I need to watch. Maybe.
Courtney 26:16
I love that. So it could be Yeah, I do. And I think it could be as simple as like a when it comes up like I honor it all. Which feels really cool. Because it's also like, then you get to choose which camp you're in. Because it's not always one thing. That's really empowering.
Courtney 26:35
So yeah, I don't know, last question on this step two. You've kind of already answered it. But just for the process, what is one thing, because when I'm hearing you, it seems so clear to me that you've actually organized your life to help people now. Now, or maybe that was all part of it the whole time. But you are. And so my question is, how might have this helped you? How might have, not what happened, but how you've moved through it. And all the emotion has come up to you, which is really real. How could this have helped you today?
Lindsey 27:12
Well, there's the practical application of so much of what I learned in that situation was a mindset. Like that was part of, that's part of what I didn't want to let go of. Right is like, this was the place where I learned to have confidence. This was the team, where I learned to step up. And this was the place where I learned visualization. And like, all the stuff that I teach, this is not, I learned it in other places, too. But this was the main place where I learned it. So there's that application.
Lindsey 27:43
I think, let's see, I don't know if this is step three. But I think like, I have a much better awareness of how situations or people or culture can kind of pull us along, where things get gradually different. And maybe I'd like to think I don't know if this is true, but I like to think that I am. I try to be aware of when things are going off track. I don't know if I am or if that's just what I want to be.
Courtney 28:24
For sure. So you're more aware and also more compassionate for other people that have had their norms shifted? Because you understand how easy it can be sometimes.
Lindsey 28:34
Yeah, and I also I see how like ambition can pull you to a different place that you didn't intend in the beginning, and how things can get weird. So slowly, you don't even notice. So I have tremendous compassion for how that can happen. And like the power of a group, the good and the bad, right? Like, keeping along. And that's where, again, where I go back to that self-compassion of like, is it even realistic for me to like, I think about people leaving, like, I don't like a fundamentalist church, or a cult, or any situation where they are even a whistleblower where they're like, raising their hand and be like, This is bullshit. Like, I have felt the power of not wanting to lose things. Not wanting to blow it up.
Courtney 29:22
Really powerful. Yeah, Cool.
Lindsey 29:28
Your question, but ...
Courtney 29:29
Yeah, no, I think it does. We've intertwined a lot of these. But I do think the last step in self-distancing, so like analyzing and strategizing, I think the challenge of this when we're coaching others is that we like to go to this first without letting the emotion of it bubble up, reliving it, asking questions, being curious about it, which is so important. I think when we look at like moving through any difficult things, most people just want to be seen and heard and helped. Yeah, it felt, and then it's like, Okay, now we can move on.
Courtney 30:05
So you crush that I'm going to ask you some questions that are kind of redundant, but we'll go through it just for the sake of the exercises. Okay, so self-distancing is about analyzing and strategizing. Yeah. How can you grow from this experience?
Lindsey 30:19
Well, I think a lot of it comes when I think about that, I think about me, like you said, my clients and my students, and like, it creates a sense of, I think, deeper empathy and compassion for other people. And as confusing as it has been, to say, this person is not all evil. There was an evil part of him a very bad part that hurt people. And there was also good, and that is like, a very hard concept to keep in your mind, I think, I think it's very, we're not taught that that, two. A good and a bad and everything in between can exist in the same person in the same situation.
Lindsey 31:01
And being okay with that, and like, allowing that to settle like, it's okay. For that to be true. And I think that leaves space for my students, hopefully, to be all of those things that are not necessarily evil or good, but just all these were human beings and situations are not black and white. I think that's where it gives me I think, hopefully, it gives me a little bit more depth as a human, a little more depth as a student a little more depth as a coach, that there's a lot of nuances, better hope for better or worse.
Courtney 31:41
Yeah, but what a beautiful thing to anchor to. I mean, it's amazing for your kids, for everyone.
Lindsey 31:46
And there's been good things that can exist right next to bad things. And that's what sometimes it's very hard about those situations, and good things can come out of bad situations. And that's part of it. There's, there's so much great area.
Courtney 32:02
So much. Yeah. So you kind of answered how you're gonna grow, and also how you will help bring others along? Or how to help other people because you want to do this. So then how might this shape how you make decisions in the future?
Lindsey 32:15
Well, I had to make decisions in the future.
Courtney 32:19
Or how would this change how you make a decision?
Lindsey 32:21
Yeah, well, what I think the biggest thing is, I have four daughters. So like, for me, I look at that, and I'm like, my radar is up to any kind of BS. And I might go to the extreme, right, like, I don't have to, I'm not gonna watch that too.
Courtney 32:41
You're gonna go to the extreme. No way!
Lindsey 32:44
I can't be the helicopter parent, they're gonna have to make mistakes too. But I definitely think of that. And the power of sports, the power of a team, the power of culture is like, infinity. I believe in that wholeheartedly. And I want that for my girls, I want that for every female, I want that for everybody. But that has to be watched. That has to be relegated, and I think making sure that you don't let things slide based on ambition.
Lindsey 33:14
I definitely was raised and like the coach is always right kind of thing. And I want my daughters to believe in authority and follow directions and pay attention to a coach or a teacher in a very healthy way. But also listen to themselves if something's wrong, or something's off, and listen to me too, again, that power of the group. And the power of ambition, I think is really intoxicating for everybody.
Lindsey 33:46
And the river can be moving in one direction. And it's really hard to pull yourself out of the shore and say, I don't like where this is going when everybody else is going down the river. And I think maybe a little bit more aware of again, how little things can build up into all of a sudden you're in this frickin weird situation, not more than weird and completely inappropriate, and in fact, actually illegal. And like, you don't even know how you got there. I've seen that. firsthand. I've experienced that. So I think I'll be paying attention.
Courtney 34:20
Absolutely. Okay. And then lastly, you also answered this, but just to wrap it up, like what would be one or two things that you're grateful for about this experience?
Lindsey 34:29
Oh, I think any opportunity, you don't wish bad things to happen, of course. But when you look back, and these opportunities are our situation or situations or opportunities for you to grow as a human and to look at the places that are sort of in the corner that you want to hide and that maybe you don't like about yourself, like the only times we really get to those places is in these kinds of shitty situations. And so this is that place for me.
Lindsey 35:05
And I think the opportunity to grow and you know, the fact that I've hidden it for so long, and now I'm talking about it, I think when you have those situations, and you bring them to the forefront, and you talk about them, and you share with other people, there is an opportunity not only to grow as a person, but to help other people grow, and to be the example.
Lindsey 35:23
I mean, I can't tell you what we talked about in our mindset coach Academy in our monthly coaching collective, but it was very personal things that people would not have shared. For sure. If I just said, Hey, tell me something you don't want to tell other people. The only reason that they did this is that I did it first. And so that's empowering for me because then it's not about me.
Lindsey 35:47
And that feels really good. Because I really don't want it to be about me. There's a part that you have to make it about, you have to work on yourself. And then there are parts like, how can we turn this shit sandwich into something better?
Lindsey 36:00
And so I think that is what I look to when I think about the power of regret, which is what this book and this process are about is like, where's their power in this? Because so often we look at these things, and then we think of them as this is just our weaknesses. And yeah, but there's power in looking at our weaknesses.
Lindsey 36:18
And I gave this story by hiding it, I gave it so much power for so many years. And I felt bad about that. And I felt bad about lying. And I felt conflicted. But I also wanted to protect him. And I felt guilty if I didn't protect him because he had given me so much. And so now to sort of just like, put that down, which so much of the stuff we have the potential to put down at any point. We just decide.
Courtney 36:47
Yeah, it's not easy. But yeah.
Lindsey 36:49
No, it's not easy, but, but it really is just putting it down and saying, I'm gonna talk about this. And he probably has his own, he has his own story. This is my story. This is my experience. And this is true, and this is what happened, and whatever. And I guess that's why I'm doing this is, so whoever's listening, can think of that one little thing that's in their brain that they haven't let go of, yeah, that they've been festering in the back of their brain that that's been that that low hum, or that nagging thing that like, people aren't gonna respect me if I tell them that I had an affair or that I was, I gambled away my family's fortune, or whatever it is this terrible thing that people hold on to don't talk about, it creates this power that is so debilitating.
Lindsey 37:34
Even if it's not like these big events. It's just this thing that you're like, what we're into metaphors and all our hypnosis and visuals and carrying around his backpack of all this bullshit, this thing that you think makes you a terrible person, or is it a weakness? Or is it a shameful thing that people are gonna look, look down on you? And it's not really about that.
Lindsey 37:56
It's not even really about them respecting you more either, it kind of helps to think of it that way. But to some degree, it's not. It's just about being able to prove yourself. And so my challenge for anybody listening, which is what we did in the mindset coaching Collective is to tell somebody.
Lindsey 38:11
And sometimes it's easier to like, I'm speaking on a podcast at 1000s of people who know, it's easier to do that in some ways. I mean, it's really scary to I'll probably have a vulnerability hangover.
Courtney 38:19
Yeah, for sure.
Lindsey 38:20
Yeah. I'll be like, do I really want to publish this? Yeah, I'm still thinking about publishing, but sometimes it's easier to tell people like people that aren't in here, like day-to-day life, you know?
Courtney 38:30
How do you the last question is, how do you feel now compared to when were you first got on?
Lindsey 38:35
I'm not shaking, I was shaking. I didn't even tell you that I was like, a little bit like the adrenaline. And I feel really good. I have to say, again, I think later, I will be like shit. But every time I tell it, I feel better. Because, again, I take the power back. And I think it's all true. Or it's all the story I tell myself.
Lindsey 38:58
There's no like one clean way of looking at it. It doesn't have to fit in some pretty low box. It's just these layers and every time I talk about it, thank you for the wonderful questions because you did help me move through it a little bit differently. I think that's the power of telling it every time you kind of shore up these things you haven't thought about before you make these connections. And so I do I feel better. I feel like this is why I want to do this episode.
Courtney 39:24
Yeah, it's amazing. Well, I love you. And I'm grateful. Thank you for sharing and being honest, and I said it earlier, but I think the greatest joy in life is just being in it with people in all of the confusing, beautiful, wonderful, chaotic nuance. So thank you.
Lindsey 39:41
Thank you. I really, as I said did not want to be like myself. I thought it was gonna be first of all, it's gonna be awkward. Like, I needed like guidance, you know?
Courtney 39:50
Yeah, can be helpful.
Lindsey 39:52
So I appreciate you very much. I'm excited to have you on the podcast more regularly.
Courtney 39:57
Yeah, I know. Me too. I'm every time we talk I get really energized and challenged and I just, it'll be fun.
Lindsey 40:04
Well, I can't imagine having done this with anybody else. And I just appreciate, this is so much of what we teach our mindset coaching students is like holding the space like there's something so powerful about holding space for somebody to talk or work on themselves or to work through something or to be vulnerable. And I just appreciate that safe space that you gave me today because it's really to help.
Courtney 40:27
Yeah, likewise.
Lindsey 40:28
All right, Court. Well, thanks.
Courtney 40:29
All right.
Lindsey 40:29
Thanks, guys. I'll just refresh you guys. The three steps are just really quick. The self-disclosure tells somebody the self-compassion and self-distancing, which is the analyzing and strategizing how you can grow from it. So those are the three steps. Thanks, Court all right. Okay.
Lindsey 40:47
Hey, if you love this episode, make sure to check out all of our free and paid resources over at positiveperformancetraining.com You want to take mindset training to the next level we got you. But here are three more specific ways. If you want to take mindset training and live it more in your life.
Lindsey 41:04
Definitely subscribe to this podcast. We send out bonus episodes, we have our mental Mondays, we have interviews and training episodes, definitely subscribe. If you want to teach it, meaning taking it to your athletes or your clients. I highly recommend the Psychology of Competition.
Lindsey 41:18
Again, you can check that out at positiveperformancetraining.com It is a great course that will teach you and your athletes how to have pre, during, and post-competition routines to up your performance. And if you want to learn how to have a mindset coaching business in order to sell mindset coaching, highly recommend signing up for our waitlist for our next certification cohort, which usually opens about once a year, but in the meantime, go to positiveperformancetraining.com.
Lindsey 41:43
And check out our Ultimate Mindset Coaching Toolkit which will show you exactly how to get started with your first mindset coaching clients. Again, go to positiveperformancetraining.com for all of our free and paid resources.
